“I hated all the shouting at home!”

“I felt I had to choose between my mum and my dad.”

“Why can’t they just act like grown ups?”

“ No one asked what I wanted.”


Children experience many different feelings when their parents split up. Whether a couple are married or unmarried, the children might be confused, angry ,scared or even feel that they are to blame for the separation, even if they don’t say much about what they are thinking and feeling.

Questions such as, “where will everyone live?”, “how will the bills and mortgage be paid?” and “when and where children will see each parent?” are common and will need to be resolved. How parents go about solving these problems can have a tremendous impact on how their children feel about what is happening.

The majority of specialist family lawyers are members of Resolution, the leading national family lawyers organisation. They know that the parents need not only legal advice, but also help from a range of different professionals. That is why family lawyers also work with counsellors, therapists and mediators who can help parents and children come to terms with what is happening.

It is important, but not always easy, to keep children issues separate from other important issues such as finances. It can be equally difficult for parents to put their children’s interest first when trying to agree on what is best for their children.

Having an open and honest dialogue which is constructive and non-confrontational is often the best way for parents to talk things through, and there are a number of different ways of doing this. If the parents speaking directly only results in further arguments, this can obviously be harmful to the children witness this.

An alternative, is to talk with the help of a mediator who might help reduce tension and hostility whilst keeping parents focused on what is most important; doing the best thing for their children. Some mediators are specially trained to involve older children in this process, by meeting with them and where appropriate reporting back to the parents what the children have said and their wishes & feelings.

Another alternative is for the parents and their lawyers to sit round the table and focus on their long-term goals. This can include the collaborative process, with an anchor statement being prepared at the beginning, which should include such important points as to focus on such as, “I don’t want our children feeling that they are being torn between us”.

If parents cannot agree on where a child lives and how much time they spend with each of their parents, the Court process will normally involve an independent Child and Family Reporter investigating the case, by speaking to both parents and the children involved, before making an objective recommendation. Very few cases are so difficult that a Judge has to make a final decision and an agreement between the parents is welcomed at any time.

Therefore, if you are reading this article and are concerned that what is happening in your life could have a bad effect on your children, remember that there are different professionals and different methods for avoiding the emotional harm children can suffer when their parents split up.

By,

Colin Mitchell, Family Solicitor, Coles Miller Solicitors LLP, Poole

If you find yourself affected by any of the above issues, please feel free to contact Colin Mitchell, on 01202 673011 or by email on cmitchell@coles-miller.co.uk. Also Colin’s colleagues within the Family Team can help; Emma Hamilton Cole at the Broadstone office (telephone 01202 694891 or by email ehamiltoncole@coles-miller.co.uk) and Tanya Hall at the Charminster and Bournemouth office (telephone 01202 511512 or by email thall@coles-miller.co.uk).